Yesterday I wrote a post about feeling blessed. It honestly should have been a journal article, but I could not help feeling an overwhelming sense of peace with my life at this point. That feeling comes from living inside my comfort zone. I have crafted my lifestyle and living habits to be within a window that I consider manageable. I have not always been in this space and it took a long time to get here. This space is mutable and is open to change. When new things come my way that throw off my Zen, I do one of two things:
1.) Avoid this change and eliminate it
2.) Adapt and change myself to make it fit
Recent additions to my life have caused me to face these two choices yet again. The enjoyment I get out of a new thing may also cause a different part of my life to change. I find myself asking the following question:
“Is the good part of this one thing enough to outweigh the bad?”
I asked myself this question about six months ago when I was seeing a guy. He made me really happy and we had fun, but I had reservations opening up fully to him. How could someone ever love everything about me?
This question is the hardest one I have to stop asking. I have a hard time accepting that people like you for you, not for what you can do for them. This belief stems from growing up in my family. Love in my childhood home was earned.
What if I come out of my comfort zone and change my lifestyle for a certain person and they decide they don’t want me. Or worse, what if they demand I keep changing to remain in their love. If I get used to their love and they take it away, I will be destroyed.
Is it sometimes better to be safe than sorry?