THE INTERNAL STRUGGLES!

Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry is kind of hard. It’s so much easier to forgive someone who wants forgiveness. Sometimes, I actually feel a bit…what would be the word? Presumptuous? If I forgive them but they don’t want it. I feel like I am being too proud or righteous. Kind of like when you offer to pay for someone who doesn’t want it or need it. When beggars who cannot be choosers, simply are choosey. Does that make sense? Relating this to my life and to veganism, I feel like in order to function in society I must forgive all meat eaters. This is in internal struggle mind you, I don’t come out and say “You eating that steak! I forgive you!!” It’s more of a sadness I feel deep inside. I forgive them, and then I feel bad for doing that because they don’t want it. I feel like I might be presenting a front of “betterness” even if I don’t mean it. How crazy is that? This is completely an INTERNAL struggle mind you. This fighting goes on inside my brain. That feels a bit messed up. I will work on letting it go.

tol1

[eating some mangos, NBD]

My thoughts on the church and the gays are as follows: love whoever you want. I really don’t think God would discriminate against people of the same gender who love each other. At least, my God wouldn’t. I recently read an article about being Christian and Gay. The experiences this person felt from both communities was surprisingly similar. Most queer people dismiss any mention of church, and the church plays the holier than thou, this is a choice card. It is such a struggle to hold onto both identities. This is further heightened concerning marriage because it is sacrament for both communities and therefore even more important for someone in between them. What a difficult lifestyle to process!

tol2

[Before a run with some girlies]

I think I might have eaten too much PB last night (atleast at one time). I was just about to go to bed, and decided to have a large scoop of PB…but I swallowed it too fast and it stuck in my throat, causing chest pain. Delicious peanuty chest pain…mmmm…stop it Ellie! You ate that too fast! Has this happened to anyone else?

My goals for tomorrow is to make a good YouTube video for my channel. I have one video up there and it was of myself walking to the farmer’s market and talking. Not exactly high quality. I have a few ideas and want to get the right lighting in one spot in my house to do filming. May the forces be with me!

Internal struggles abound, what are you thinking about?

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